Thursday, April 12, 2012

Don’t Blame Yourself

I can’t even begin to express the amount of blame that rests upon my shoulders. I can recall sitting at the table with my husband having our final conversation about whether to have another baby or not.  I had spent the few weeks leading up to that day poking the question at him every chance I saw an opening, I wanted a baby so badly, a girl specifically. I recall sitting there and finally saying, ”this is where I am at, so now the choice is yours, I want a baby and if you don’t then that is ok, but I want you to think about it.” I can also remember telling him not to let the first two years of sleepless nights, tantrums, growing pains, and of course, diapers dictate the rest of our lives. Gosh thinking back at that statement gives me chills as now it seems so small in comparison to what we will have laid in front of us!!! He sat there for a few minutes in silence, then proclaimed his desire to try for another baby, we were so happy. We did not conceive the first month but the 2nd month we were good to go.

I can recall watching one of our favorite shows, Sons of Anarchy, when I kind of felt queasy. It wasn’t something that was deserving of a mention at the time (or to hit pause on the show), but I decided during a commercial break to take a pregnancy test before taking any medications because we were trying, sure enough it came back positive! November 15th is when it became a reality – we were going to have a baby. My husband made me the most excited by his excitement, we both agreed we should have done this a long time ago but time got away from us, life snagged us. Needless to say I did develop a sinus infection that I could not take meds for. It was  small  price to pay for the joyous news I had been given the previous day.

I think back to the comment the doctor made a few weeks ago about the 45 day mark the heart’s truncus vessel divides, we now know hers didn’t, I try to think about what was I doing, what was I eating, did I take something?  I still try and find a place to lay blames ugly head upon. I think it is because of my age? Bad egg? Bad luck? I search for the answer that will never come. I can’t express the guilt I feel for talking my husband into having another baby – all I hear my mind say was – he only told you ‘no’ about 30 times…before the yes came. I feel bad for placing him in this situation, it hurts me to know that he will be hurt by all of this and it is my fault – or is it? I shared these feelings with him and he was firm in his reply – it takes two and I wanted her as much as you did, now that we have her, we will make the best of all this and she will be our imperfect little piece of perfection. Communication is so critical in these times. I love him so, while his comment made me feel better, it didn’t take away all of the pain.

In my efforts to lay blame and sink into a puddle of guilt, I managed to come up for air long enough to realize this is no one’s fault – it is but life.  I think Ryleigh is going to be so smart and beautiful in spite of her broken little heart. I think this will define her to a degree, but it will not rule her. I too have been defined by my childhood abuse – but it does not run or rule my life – it provided me the place to start from, to free my soul, and let go of my anger.

Now I can’t imagine life without her, she will be the final piece to our puzzle of life.  I think we have been given this tiny person to help give us purpose and greater meaning to life’s gifts.  Blame doesn’t live here anymore, because hope came in and kicked it’s ass out!

Just know if you are a parent seeking answers to this same issue, know that guilt is part of the healing process and it is normal, without it we have no reason of understanding. Before the guilt rolled in, I mourned the fact that I would not have the perfect healthy daughter, and that process had to take place.  This is indeed one of the most gut wrenching things a parent should have to go through and the fact that we are not even in the thick of it yet scares the hell out of me. The thought of living in 6-month increments has sunk in with a heavy weight, but I will not allow it to drown me.

No more than 110 days to go until she is here with us, I can’t wait to see her and smile at her.  She will be our sweet little mended heart girl.

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