A Photo Worth a 1,000+ Tears

As a heart mom, we see our babies unconditionally as they are, but it may be hard for others to understand what we see and go through each day.  While we were in the PICU I refused to allow any photos taken of her hooked to the life support machines, IV’s, tubes, her chest open, chest closed with stitches and bandages, etc, it wasn’t an image I wanted looming for years to come, haunting me, haunting her.

One of the PICU nurses came in and saw my husband on one side of her bed and me on the other both holding a hand each looking down at her – she got excited and said, “do you want a photo, this is a photo moment.” I looked at Craig and looked at her and said “no”, she was shocked, she said, “this is a beautiful photo though, you don’t want a picture of it? I wish you could see what I see!”, and I said, “it is a memory I will always keep in my mind, but I don’t want the other elements in the photo”, she was surprised, but to her she - sees it each day and of course it was not her child laying there, so for her she was used to it, but as a mom I wasn’t and would never be.

I will never forget the day I saw her right after her surgery with her chest open and the next 9 days after recovering, it is not how I choose to document the ordeal, her memory will live strong, but her present is what I choose to live in.

Now that we are over 2 weeks out from surgery, I look at her incision and cry; I am amazed at her resilience and strength. I see her surgery sweet spot and it brings a flood of emotion – of the day, of the event, of her life. I am going to share the one and only photo that I will take of her incision not for exploitation, but to show that my strength too has grown.  

I love her so much!